what rhymes with chaos?

FOR SALE: 1 x reincarnation of historical figure Franz Ferdinand.

Hello the Internet.

How are you today? I hope Charlie Sheen hasn't been keeping you too busy. I just thought I'd use my blog to yell into the digital universe and let you know that I'd entered this competition where you have to make a story about three objects for sale.

The items this week were:

 

Which was strangely convenient as I acutally did have a shetland pony, surfboard and jetski to sell, so I simply told the truth, which is as follows:

Dear person and/or spambot. Thankyou for choosing to view my items instead of the many other interesting things on the internet, such as blogs devoted to things that look like cats and cats that look like things.

For sale is my pride and joy, Franz the Shetland pony. He is the reincarnation of Franz Ferdinand (the historical figure, not the band, whom he hates. Please refrain from playing their music or he may fly into a fit of violent pony rage.)

It is with great regret that I must sell my beloved Franz because my old landlord died in a mysterious pogo stick accident and my new landlord has a bizarre and very specific allergy to Shetland ponies who are the reincarnations of famous historical figures.

I am also selling Franz's jetski and surfboard, which would only remind me of him and thus produce salty discharge in my eyeholes.

You can and also should vote for my entry here.

Ironically the grand prize of $10 000 is substantially larger than many major literary awards. Perhaps my time would be better vested in writing 150 word creative entries for competitions than 100 000 word novels for actual humans. That would leave me time to pursue my true passion; arranging and photographing paper clip collections.

In other news, the 100 stories for QLD anthology featuring my story STUNT KITE has been delayed but should be out any day now, and I will be recording more lines for the pocket hipster tomorrow.

What have you been up to?

(Just kidding, I don't actually care. I was just trying to be polite.)

Letter to the Editors (the UK band)

 

Dear the Editors,

 

How are you? I am very well, thanks for asking and for also realising I was not just a spambot. Sometimes people think that and it's quite awkward, especially when it's at a cocktail party rather than an internet forum.

Anyway, let's cut straight to the not boring bit shall we? I recently completed the draft of my new novel Adonis Comma Coma. Yes, I know it is a weird title. I have a thing for weird titles okay? And no it's not going to feature the words 'a novel' written in slightly smaller print underneath the actual title. Why do novels always do that these days? If you've picked up a book in the fiction section of the bookshop entitled 'the Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay' and you think it's some kind of factual guide to thermonuclear dynamics then you really obviously aren't smart enough to read a book in any case. Some day I'm going to write my life story and call it: 'A Novel' with the words (an autobiography) written in smaller letters underneath. Take THAT society!

 

The point is that now the draft is completed I need someone to edit it for me, so I punched 'editors' into google and your website was the first that came up, which I assume means that you are the best Editors on the internet.

 

 
This is a picture to prove I am not lying. I don't often use these, because I am usually lying.

So what's the book about you ask? It's about 100 000 words. Some of these words include: 'and', 'of', 'Marilyn Monroe, 'synesthesia' 'the' 'murder' 'kandinsky' 'kaleidoscopic', 'grandiloquent' and 'cheese'. I'm not sure what your fee structure is but my present budget allows for either $15.79 in cash OR three hundred and eighty six pairs of size 9 converse all star plaid coloured shoes that I definitely did NOT obtain illegally. Alternatively you can invoice me.

This is where I file my invoices. (And bad story ideas).

Now I understand that editing a book takes quite some time, and you probably have touring and recording and being photographed in black and white looking dour duties to attend to. So just to make the process a little smoother, I'm willing to fill in for whichever one of you decides to take on the task of editing this book. Just for the record, I can play bass very well, guitar oh well, drums well, well, well... and sing Timmy fell down the well.

 

Thanks, I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours Since Clearly,

JM Donellan