Recently I was requested to write some words of wisdom for the as yet unborn child of two of my very dear friends. Having a great deal of words but a rather appalling dearth of wisdom, I soon found myself overwhelmed by the grandiose responsibility of providing the literary form of a guiding light in the darkness to a not yet fully downloaded human child foetus. I ended up crying in the corner in much the same manner of a new born babe for several hours before consoling myself by thinking about breasts (again, much like in the manner of an infant).
My life is so freakin sweet! People lavish attention
on me constantly and everyone thinks it's adorable when I burp or
defecate! I hope the rest of my life is exactly like this!
This whole ordeal got me thinking; if I were to one day be so cruel as to decide to subject the world to the burden of my offspring, what words would I give the little bastard to send them on their way before I suffer an untimely death by turtle mauling or fireworks and pogo stick incident?
Here's what I came up with. Feel free to cut and paste this for your own use.
Dearest spawn,
Congratulations on being selected from millions of potential sperm candidates to become my progeny!
I have decided to bequeath unto you some words of wisdom for the future. However, the future which you will inhabit will doubtlessly differ greatly from the present. Hence the best advice I am able to give you has been obtained primarily from science fiction novels.
This is what people in the past thought time machines
would look like. What a bunch of morons.
It doesn't even have an ipod dock!
1 If you ever get sent back into the past DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING. Not even breasts. (Sidenote: Infancy is the only time in your life when you will be able to gain access to breasts by merely screaming and crying. ENJOY IT.)
2 If you ever get sent to a gorgeous utopian future TOUCH EVERYTHING because you are obviously dreaming. The future is going to be a horrible, horrible place. Really, it will be just awful.
3 Just because everyone else in the world is wearing tight fitting silver suits doesn't mean that you have to. In fact, by wearing a variant outfit you substantially increase the likelihood of being the star of the piece.
4 Big Brother is watching. And he is fucking bored.
5 Soylent Green, while delicious, is no substitute for a healthy balanced diet.
6 Soma, while delicious, is no substitute for a healthy balanced diet.
7 Don't do it, she's a robot!
8 Don't do it, she's a clone!
9 Don't do it, she's you from a parallel universe where you've had an extremely convincing sex change operation!
10 When all your human parts are eventually replaced by cybernetic enhancements, make sure you shell out the extra bucks for the extended warranty. No one wants a future where you have to buy a replacement prostate every three months.
11 Floss
