what rhymes with chaos?

REVIEW OF EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD PART ONE

DINOSAURS BY JAKE MARSHALL DUNHILL, GRADE 2

This is my book report and my book report is bout dinosaurs. My ‘nother teacher what we had before Mrs. Majellan said that you can’t do a book report bout dinosaurs cos dinosaurs aren’t books but then I was like “but dinosaurs are IN books and everyone does a stupid book report and no one ever reviews dinosaurs.” Then she started crying and mum says it’s probably cos her husband left her for another man but then my dad said ‘SHUT UP HELEN!’ and then my mum said ‘Don’t tell me to shut up in front of our boy!’ and Dad said she was a stupid cow and then the TV volume got really loud so I went to my room and wrote my book report bout dinosaurs and now you are reading it.

Once upon a time, dinosaurs were super cool and rad. They used to just go and eat each other FOR NO REASON! The T-rex would be all like: “Hey Triceratops! I don’t like your face so I’m going to bite it with my teeth!” And then the triceratops would be like: “Dude, you have tiny hands. Are you ‘tarded or something?” And then they’d fight and there would be totally rad guitar solos like ‘meedley medley medley meee meee waaaaaaah!’ And that was all totally radstyles.


DINOSAURS DURING THE ERA OF SUPER RADNESS

Then one day God threw a big rock at the earth ‘cept some people say it wasn’t god just science but mum says they are heathens. I don’t know what science was doing throwing rocks but whatever it made everything all cold like when I put dad’s iPhone in the freezer cos I wanted to cryomagenically freeze it for people in the future so they could use it to call me and tell me what happens in Ben Ten when he’s grown up.

Then all the dinosaurs were totally lame and just died and none of them ate each other’s faces or nuthin and then there was wolly mammoths which were kinda cool but not really. You could just stick a big wig on an elephant and it would be a  woollymammoth cept kinda like a girl.   
+ =

So now we have crocodiles and junk but no more dinosaurs and no one ever gets to have them for pets or ride them to school or command them to eat Mr. Kinsworth when he be’s mean to me just cos I left my fudgicicle on his desk or whatever. I

n conclusion, dinosaurs were the raddest but then they just died so now I just like TV. I give them three stars.

DEAR HAND DRYER AT THE NGV: I HATE YOU.

Yesterday I was criticised by a hand dryer. I’ve suffered a kaleidoscopic cocktail of various kinds abuse and criticism over the years from a malicious milieu of teachers, critics, random strangers and the occasional soon to be ex lover. Attracting reprimand from an inanimate bathroom appliance however, is something new even for me.

Whilst drying my hands at the National Gallery of Victoria the normally silent utilitarian device proceeded to lecture me through the use of a digital screen and speakers on how I should be more conservative with my water use.

I am entirely in favour of people receiving advice on methods of how to be more environmentally conscious, being quite the tree hugger myself, I just think that I would prefer that advice to be dispensed by something with a pulse. If I wanted advice from a soulless object masquerading as a human being I would watch Dr. Phil.

TEQUILA WORMHOLES

A few days ago, during the blurry concluding moments of a satisfactorily debaucherous party I had been hosting, we got onto the subject of quantum mechanics. Now my knowledge in this area is superficial at the best of times, (I’ve been doing some preliminary research for my next book), but at 3am after consuming most of a bottle of tequila and the worm dwelling within I managed to start inexpertly rambling about the Copenhagen Interpretation and Many Worlds Theory. Embarrassingly, one of the two other people involved in the discussion was a PhD student whose research included work in this area and the errors in my statements were pointed out before I could manage to drunkenly talk my way around them. I am normally able to do this quite capably owing to the fact that I inexplicably become more verbose and articulate when drunk. I also frequently develop the notion that I am the world’s greatest dancer, and then proceed to epileptically flail like a monkey on psycho-amphetamines. But that’s neither here nor there, (nor on youtube, thankgod…)

In any case, my initial research into this field has left me questioning my place in the universe(s) to the point that I am having trouble sleeping. I’ve always been confused by people who say that they have recognised their part in the universe is insignificant and regard this as somehow emancipating. I believe the exact opposite. It takes just one single human being who generates just ONE seminal idea to change the entire world. Look at the impact of inspirational artists, activists and scientists like Einstein, Picasso, Martin Luther King and Larry Graham. Yeah that’s right Larry Graham. Imagine a world without slap bass. No, wait, don’t. It would be so horrible that your heart may spontaneously implode and I don’t want to be indirectly responsible for that unless you are Sarah Palin, in which case go ahead.

                                       

Many worlds theory, and I apologise for the hugely inappropriate brevity of this description, claims that every action or inaction ever performed by every living thing anywhere, ever creates a parallel universe. Ever time you drink dial your ex girlfriend, every time you eat one too many chocolate chip cookies, every time you mean to start reading ‘War and Peace’ but end up watching ‘Australian Idol’ you create a tangent reality. Your actions, according to this theory, do not only change the entire world, but CREATE entire new universes. Imagine something like the word of god with tourettes:

                        

I don’t believe human beings are in the least bit insignificant. I believe the true tragedy is that we live in a society where so few not only reach our full  staggering potential, but never even recognise that we are capable of creating change on a colossal scale. Every one of us is capable of becoming Ted Bundy or Mahatma Ghandi, Osama or Obama, Stalin or Steiner. Tragically, most of us end up as nothing more than Joe the plumber. Then again, McCain did seem to think he was fairly pivotal in the last election….