what rhymes with chaos?

NEW DAN BROWN NOVEL LEAKED ON THE INTERNET!

With less than one week until the highly anticipated release of Dan Brown’s new ‘novel’, millions of ‘readers’ around the world are bursting with expectation. The novel is a sequel to the Da Vinci code, which has been hailed as a publishing phenomenon and was the bestselling adult hardback of all time. (Editor’s note: this is the most watched TV show of all time.) 

The release of the Lost Symbol has been shrouded in secrecy. Reportedly only a hand-picked elite have been permitted to read the manuscript in full. Brown’s publicist has been secretive and mysterious, enticing slavering fans with such elusive comments as: “More of the same really. You know, mysteries and shit. Hey! Amigo! I said I want that jag BUFFED comprende?” And “You know the Da Vinci Code? Yeah, it’s like that, but different and junk. Who do I have to stab to get a latte in here?”

Currently the Lost Symbol website displays a mysterious countdown timer. By odd coincidence, many savvy conspiracy freaks have noted the books release date coincides exactly with the expected time of their own death. Recently, an unknown source leaked a digital copy of the manuscript that found its way onto file sharing sites. The response was immediate:

Marilyn Prior, a 33 year old accountant from Philadelphia was thrilled to get her hands on the new book.

“Yeah, I started reading and it was like, I didn’t even need to think, the words just went into my brain without me having to think about them at all. It was like, pretty good and stuff. I dunno I fell asleep after the first few pages though. Might wait for the audiobook.”

James Harndofer, an amateur wrestler from Brisbane stated:

“It was the darndest thing. I just started reading the first page, where a man of notable profession is mysteriously killed. You know, like in the Da Vinci Code. And also Angels and Demons. Actually, its kind of the same beginning as Deception Point come to think of it. Anyway, I’m getting into this Langdon guy and all of a sudden I just started puking like I’d eaten half a pound of rotten flesh. I mean, I was really hurling, a complete exorcist style projectile purge. One minute I’m engrossed in this charmingly predictable middle-brow narrative, and the next I’m blowing chunks. Weird.”

 

James Sampson, a 29-year-old elbow model  from London said:

“I dunno, it was like, it had words and everything. I started reading but then remembered that I should probably check my email. I updated my facebook, myspace and twitter status to say: Reading teh new Dan Brown ZOMG! And then I got all these replies and they were like OMFG! Wots it like? And I was like have you read the Da Vinci Code? It’s basically like that, but different.”

The question on everyone’s lips is ‘will this book exceed the exhilarating mediocrity of the Da Vinci code? Can it ascend to those same dizzying heights of awkwardly worded sentence construction and cliché riddled narrative? We, and Dan Brown’s publishers, can only hope.

HOUSEMATE WANTED (OR: would you live here?)

Oh hi. How are you? Reading the noticeboard huh? That’s nice, see anything good? Hey listen if you’re looking for a room then you could come and stay with us. No, seriously. For just $120 a week you could live at our place.

It’s a really nice house, I mean, it’s not like a mansion or anything. But only jerks live in those things anyway right? If houses were people, then a mansion would be like Jessica Simpson and our place would be like Cate Blanchette. Ok, well maybe not quite that cultured and refined, and it could do with a lick of paint. Perhaps our house would be like Cate Blanchette in ten years time, after she’s had a couple of stiff drinks.

BACKYARD SIZE =         +   

                                                    x2

In layman’s terms it’s a 2 storey, 4 bedroom Queenslander with front and back decks and a backyard large enough for two elephants to play a game of badminton. It’s got three bathrooms and a huge oven that people who actually know how to cook tell me is amazing. It’s the kind of place that real estate agents would describe as ‘charming’ ‘gorgeous’ and ‘I wish the owners would sell this house so we could tear it down and subdivide.’

Josh wrote this.

As for its inhabitants; Dave works in IT, but don’t start picturing sunlight fearing geek clichés. He’s about as nerdy as Kyle Sandilands is tactful or talented. He has a hot girlfriend and he climbs up the side of mountains all the time with his bare hands just for fun. As for Josh, well, not only did he write this advertisement that is currently inspiring feelings of amusement, terror or confusion (possibly all at once), but he’s even a real life author. Yeah, seriously, he writes those weird words on paper things that people used to read before they invented movies and the internet. 

In conclusion:

room for rent in a 2 storey Queenslander

$120 per week

Waterworks road, Ashgrove

[email protected]

                      

                                                   

PS animals are probably ok. I mean, if you have a little dog or something it probably won’t be an issue. If you show up with an ocelot or a north Canadian moose that might be a different story.