what rhymes with chaos?

  I'm in the latest edition of The Big Issue Australia, out today! If you buy it, you'll be supporting the homeless and literally making the world a better place, whereas if you buy A Beginner's Guide to Dying in India you'll just be supporting some jerk who writes 300 page lies for a living.

UNINSPIRATIONAL QUOTES EPISODE 2

"No matter how good you are at your job, there will always be someone much less talented than you making a lot more money."

This might seem like  cop out statement for an artist, but I feel it's never a bad idea to reiterate just how terrible the taste of the general public is. Just look at the ten most popular youtube videos; 20% Miley Cyrus and 20% babies laughing. I have to confess that with my eyes closed I have difficulty distinguishing between them. 

this was the only video in the top ten that didn't make my eyeballs want to vomit:

But wait, there's a slightly larger quantity than was previously expected! Just take a look at the world of books and see how bad the situation is. I mean, I wouldn't mind sitting several thousand sales slots beneath, say Haruki Murakami, Margaret Atwood or Don Delilo. But these jokers? We're basically talking the literary equivalent of that god-awful 90s throwback grunge band you saw at O'Malleys a few weekends ago with the lead singer with a beer gut and a guns'n'roses tattoo. Picture that band raking in millions of dollars a year.

Yeah, fucking EXACTLY.

THE OVERTON WINDOW

by Glenn "I hate everything except money" Beck

Sure, I know, everyone weighs in on Glenn Beck. He's an easy target. But here's the thing: HE SHOULDN'T BE. It shouldn't be so disgustingly, appalling easy to pick deathstar sized holes in the arguments and rationalisations of someone with such significant influence. Not content to simply pose as an appallingly poor journalist, Beck also writes the kind of fiction that gives gun-toting rednecks with a pathological fear of anyone who speaks 'foreign' a delightful shiver in their commie-hatin' loins. If you can read this book without wanting to remove your eyeballs with a melonballer, then I applaud you.

The plot is thinly veiled disguise for Beck's general polemic ranting, which can basically be summed up by just spitting on the universal declaration of human rights (which, coincidentally, currently ranks #830,082.)

LOVER AVENGED

by J R "no actually I've never heard of True Blood" Ward

This is a story about a vampire (I know, it already smacks of originality right?) but not just any kind of vampire! The protagonist of Lover Avenged is a SYMPATH vampire, who "gets energy from manipulating others' emotions." If only Edward Cullen gained his power from manipulating the hormones of menopausal midwives, he'd be stronger than the gravitational field of a collapsed star.

Okay so this sympath vampire's name is Revhenge (actual spelling), and surprisingly, he isn't part of a six-piece gangster rap posse from south-central LA. I could go on, but basically the hideous fact that this author penned a series of Sookie Stackhouse ripoff/general vampire cash in books so shamefacedly is only outstripped by the horror of their success. Which brings us to:

MARRY HIM  

by Lori Gottlieb (seems unfair to make fun of such a ridiculous name).

This is basically several hundred pages of Ms. Gottlieb screaming "Just settle!" Seriously. The fundamental premise of this book is that by searching for 'Mr Right' women miss their golden chance at settling down for a life of beige-coated, vanilla flavoured, AM radio sound tracked mediocrity with Mr. Good Enough. This is possibly the most depressing premise for a book I've EVER heard. And I've read the Bell Jar twice.

What NOT to wear this season (because you are cleary incapable of dressing yourself).

Remember when you were just a child and you lacked the requisite fine motor skills to button buttons, tie ties, lace laces or strap straps? Back then your mother, father, slightly drunken uncle Phil or fifteen-and-soon-to-be-pregnant-to-her-on-again-off-again-bricklayer-boyfriend Chantelle used to dress you. And looking at you now, perhaps that was for the best. Judging from your choice of attire, clearly the gift of free will and independent thought has not been so much a blessing a curse.

I'm here to alleviate the burden of free will and tell you exactly what NOT to wear this season.

1 LENS-LESS HIPSTER GLASSES

  
"Yeah man, I want peace. You know, so long as I don't have to do anything to achieve it besides occasionally talk about it on the interweb."

Seriously hipsters, you are mocking people with a (mild) disability! Imagine if I showed up to a party in a wheelchair just because I appreciated its aesthetics, symmetry and the fact that its trimmings matched my custom made (in China by ten year old children) Chuck Taylors?

 

"Hey baby, need a ride? What? No! No it's cool I can still totally do the horizontal tango this is just a ridiculously elaborate fashion accessory."

CONS: mocks people with disabilities, costs money and yet has no purpose, could be awkward if you someday need glasses

PROS: are you kidding me? They're fake glasses. NEXT.

2 TRADITIONAL BURIAL GARMENT

Sure, I get it. You want to take your fickle fascination with the macabre to a new level. You want to show the kids that, like, we ALL die someday okay? And like, maybe some of us will die having, like, dedicated our lives to some sort of worthwhile cause in life besides vapid narcissism but OTHERS want to drown in a well of obscure consumerism under the guise of counter culture and that is THEIR choice okay?

But seriously, someone was supposed to be buried in this thing. If you get drunk and make out with someone whilst wearing it then that essentially makes them a partial necrophiliac.

CONS: You will look like a frilly idiot, costs $500 USD, encourages nercophilia.

PROS: If you get hit by a bus while wearing it you'll be pre-wrapped for the funeral.

3 DUCT TAPE HAT

I love duct tape. It fixes things so that I don't have to buy the new things that I can't afford. Like anything, for example. But duct tape is not for clothing. No, seriously. If you are dumb enough to pay for a hat made out of duct tape then I am surprised that you are even able to operate your internet machine with sufficient adroitness to facilitate the transaction.

CONS: you will look like the WORST kind of hipster moron, costs more money than a roll of duct tape and yet is just a roll of duct tape

PROS: if someone wants to gag you they will have supplies readily at hand.

In conclusion:

UNINSPIRATIONAL QUOTES EPISODE 1

People of the world, these are times, no doubt about. In times such as these, such as they are, we need to stand together. Or possibly slightly apart, depending on the potency of the body odour of the comrade in closest proximity to you. However, regardless of exact geographical spacing, we must unite under the banners of Truth, Liberty, Synergy, Jazzercise and Rampant Consumerism like our fathers and their fathers before them, (but not so much the fathers before those who spent most of their time between the poorhouse and the whorehouse).

We must unite and say YES! I am here and NO! I don't know why but in the meantime I BELIEVE!...in...things. And I ostensibly believe in your right to believe in other things, no matter how horrendously defiant of logic and basic reasoning those things might be.

And brother, sister or second cousin twice removed I swear to metaphorically stand next to you on the figurative battlefield of justice, even if I would, in reality, run at the slightest hint of any form of literal conflict. Someday, when your children gaze up at you from their bowl of insta-feed protein TM now with even MORE! psuedo-flavour and say: "Daddy/mummy tell me about the olden day times?"

You'll be able to proudly reply: "Shut yer cakehole. I'm trying to watch Avatar 3 in 4D."

It is in the spirit of these things and these times that I gave you:

UNINSPIRATIONAL QUOTES.

Episode 1

FACT
"Every five minutes 346 wonderful people die and 347 total jerks are born."

 

"Waaaaah! When I grow up I'm going to change lanes without indicating and vote against basic human rights policies! Waaaaah!"