what rhymes with chaos?

THE INAUGURAL JM DONELLAN AWARD FOR A SHORT STORY ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT VAMPIRES.

You may have heard of vampires. These lovable sun-loathing scamps have populated the pages of novels ever since the early something-forties. I used to be quite found of vampire stories, the intrigue of immortality and all that gaff, but I am now, unequivocally, irrevocably, MOTHERFUCKING SICK of vampire stories and every jerk who is jumping on that already overloaded bandwagon.

My reaction to this phenomenon is so intense I've actually developed a medical condition so rare that my doctor insists it doesn't even actually exist. It forces me to violently convulse every time someone mentions Twilight or the Vampire Diaries. Strangely, this convulsion always localises in the area of my fist and seems to inevitably collide with the speaker's face.

I've decided to do something about this by encouraging people to write stories about anything at all besides vampires with the INAUGURAL JM DONELLAN AWARD FOR A SHORT STORY ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT VAMPIRES.

GUIDELINES or
(HOW TO DO ALL THE THINGS)

Those of you have submitted to short story comps/publishers in the past will now that their guidelines are typically more rigid and inflexible than the 'must be straight and anglo-saxon' component of the Klu Klux Klan membership requirements.

This competition is different. I WANT your cover letter to be ridiculous. Include pictures, photos, nick nacks, whatever the goddam hell you feel like. Just be original and don't write about vampires.

Word limit is 5 000 words. Preferably these words should be arranged into sentences with appropriate punctuation and paragraphing. Eg:

is unacceptable.

is perfect, if a little strange.

Competition opens June 28th at 10.39am and closes September 22 at 12.59pm.

Send your entries to jmdonellan[at]gmail.com

1st Prize

+ 

$20.15, the current contents of my wallet. You also get a signed copy of my novel, A Beginner's Guide to Dying in India. Hot diggity damn!

2nd Prize

You get a signed copy of my novel, A Beginner's Guide to Dying in India. Sweet captain cupcakes on toasted rye!

Everyone else your prize is the fact that you have managed to write a story that is not about vampires. Be proud.

(NOT VERY) FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

1 Q: My story is about vampires, is it eligible?
A: Please send me your full name and address so that I can promptly dispatch a team of ninjas to have you killed.

2 Q: Geez Louise man, what's yer freaking beef with the nosferatu?

A: see above

3 Q: Is this just an elaborate ploy to harvest other people's ideas for the purpose of possible future plagarism?

A: Not according to my very expensive lawyer, no.

4 Q: My story is about a gay penguin on the quest to discover his true calling as an internationally acclaimed hula hooper with the guidance of a breakdancing shaman with a dark and troubled past. Am I going to win?

A: Ask again here.

5 Q:Is this a joke?

A: No, the Twilight series, that was a joke. This is a legitimate competition with way awesome and furthermore radical prizes, bro.

6 Q: Have you ever written a story about someone with a pathological fear of Phil Collins?

A: Why yes, now that you mention it. You can read it here:

  Download Fearing Phil Collins by JM Donellan

Birthday letter to the queen by Jake Marshall Dunhill, grade 2

Dear the Queen,

How are you? Are you having a good birthday? How is it being old? Do you like it? Do you want to get even more older or just stay the same amount of old? Have you been old ever since you were little, or did you just get old recently?

Do you listen to this song on your birthday, is it about you?

My name is Jake and the other day it was MY birthday and my sister wasn’t even very nice too me cos she’s a teen-anger and the only things that teen-angers are good at is sulking and talking about pop songs. There’s a law against that isn’t there? I'm pretty sure there is which means she broke the law, so could you please lock her up in a dungeon somewhere or something? Or maybe make one of your dragons eat her? Ok, well, maybe not eat her, maybe just kind of really scare her a lot and set fire to her ipod.

Also I had to go to school on my birthday. I really think that is very unfair. I want want to be rude, or anything Mrs. the Queen, but I get to stay home from school on YOUR birthday so how come I didn’t get to stay home on mine?

Thanks

Jake Marshall Dunhill, Grade 2

PS  my uncle Frank says one time he got punched in the crown jewels and it hurt like blazes, but I thought that the crown jewels belonged to you and that they live in the Tower records store in London. Why are people punching your jewels and how come it hurts my uncle?

 

Please don't punch these. It hurts my uncle Frank.

 

UNINSPIRATIONAL QUOTES EPISODE #3

"The most urgent health problem in the developed world is obesity. The most urgent health problem in the developing world is starvation."

 

"Either you motherfuckers need to start sharing those cheeseburgers or I am going to have to try and get Madonna to adopt me. Do you really want to live with that on your hands?"

"Ah....there's nothing like eating a cheeseburger at the beach...hey! Where did my feet go! Oh, there they are, buried under my rolls of corpulent fat that also do a great job of concealing my long forsaken dignity."

THINK ABOUT IT. This is not exactly Schrodinger's cat theory here (if you aren't familiar with this, here's an explanation by a guy with a huge afro). We aren't talking about the Copenhagen interpretation, Hesienberg Uncertainty principle, or Gödel's incompleteness theorem. This is basic fucking logic. Rich people have and control too much and are killing themselves, as a result poor people have too little and are dying. This is basically the global sociopolitical equivalent of solving the following equation:

solve for x:

2 + x = 4

Think about it, think about it...THERE IT IS! See, was that so hard?

(Courier Mail readers may require the following information: x = 2)