what rhymes with chaos?

Inaugural Premier's Obituary Award

My Dearest Queensland, I have just returned from a weekend swimming in your resplendant blue waters at Stradbroke island, followed by two nights in the majestic sunshine coast hinterland, only to return to Brisbane and discover that Campbell 'I hate the arts so much you'd think they strangled my puppy' Newman has scrapped the Queensland Premier's Literary Awards. Bewilderingly, he has deigned to do this during The OFFICIAL YEAR OF READING. Did no one send him a memo? Perhaps they did, and he didn't read it. After all, he has publicly stated that he's 'not into studies and plans.' Not sure how he managed to get an engineering degree, if that's the case...

The money he's 'saving' is a paltry $224 000, an amount that is miniscule in terms of a state budget, but means a great deal to the arts. We are talking about BOOKS here! In the words of George R. R. Martin (via Tyrion Lannister): "The mind need books like a sword needs a whetstone." Newman, it would appear, is all too happy to have some very blunt swords at play.

"If I had to choose between Joffrey and Newman... Hrm. Is there a third option? Stabbing my eyes out with a fork perhaps?"

The loss of the Premier's Literary Award is a devastating blow to the QLD literary community, and if there's one thing I've learnt from a misspent youth reading too many fantasy novels, revenge is a cycle which always ends in joyous victory of good over evil with no sideline ramifications whatsoever. That's why I am, today, right now, announcing the Inaugural Premier's Obituary Award. Whoever can create the most amusing protest (of any kind) against this atrocity, or Mr. Newman in general, will receive:

  +   + 

+ ZEB AND THE GREAT RUCKUS (Um...it doesn't have a cover design yet...)

1 x copy of Reading Madame Bovary The last (ever!?) book to win the Premier's Fiction award

1 x signed copy of my first novel A Beginner's Guide to Dying in India

1 x signed copy of my forthcoming novel Zeb and The Great Ruckus (Due for release later this year).

20 x new release CDs from both major and indie labels. (From my other job as a music reviewer. Selection will depend on what the hell they give me).

All of this will be hand delivered by me. I'll even make you dinner if you like. (Although I am a terrible cook.)

Email your entries (photos/word docs/media files/whatever you’ve got) to jmdonellan(AT)gmail(DOT)com by June 30th. The winner will be decided on August 30th.

You should also sign this petition to have the award reinstated and check out the Queensland Literary awards, recently established by Krissy Keen and Matthew Condon.

 

Australian Poetry Slam review for Rave Magazine

Taken from Rave magazine 11/10/2011. View the original article at the Rave site here.  INFORMER ARTS: Australian Poetry Slam 2011

TUESDAY, 11 OCTOBER 2011

JOSH DONELLAN reviews The Queensland Finals of the AUSTRALIAN POETRY SLAM. If you ever needed proof that the library is the coolest place in the known universe to hang out on a Friday night, then here it is. Yeah, that’s right, the library. You know, the place where they keep those collections of squashed dead trees covered in ink that people used to look at before they invented the Internet? That place. The State Library tonight hosts a multifarious crowd (hipsters, hippies, suits, hip hop heads) that is outdone only be the diversity of the performers. Tonight’s poetry slam finalists are gathered from all over Queensland and represent sufficiently varying demographics wide enough to cause a marketing consultant to need a quick lie down and a sip of fashionably overpriced bottled water. Hostess Tessa Leon exudes enough charm and energy to power a small village as she introduces the first of three rounds of finalists to a warm and receptive audience. The first portion of the evening sees a few slightly nervous performers take the stage, primarily favouring traditional ABAB rhyme schemes and sweating a little in front of the spotlight. It’s not until the final performer of this round, Anaua M., steps up and unleashes a rapid-fire verbal assault that things get really interesting. His blistering analysis of social and political issues is the first in an array of jaw-droppingly good performances. Following the first act, Ghostboy With Golden Virtues step onto the stage and begin an action that could be more correctly described as large-scale aural seduction rather than performance. Using an impressive array of instruments the band weave a series of stories over dark sonic landscapes. They certainly aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, but if you like your tea drenched with hallucinogen then this is a band that will keep you wanting more. Ghostboy spends perhaps more time off the stage than on it, stealing hats, performing lascivious dances and generally causing marvellous mischief. The second round of performers are potently impressive, perhaps the best single line of the evening belongs toCandy B, who proclaims: “I too have thought / ‘your body is wrong and the pants are right’ / do not believe the hype.” Darkwing Dub’s yelled ‘maximalist’ piece takes the cake as the most hilarious performance of the evening and Mark Lowndes’ vitriolic political poetry is artfully executed, resulting in an explosive round of applause.  Following a second set from Ghostboy With Golden Virtues the third and final round commences. Standout performances include 14 year-old Georgie, who takes the microphone with prodigious confidence and skill, as well as Mantist, who provides the most hip hop-influenced piece of the evening in the form of a clever dissection of modern materialism. Tessa announces tonight’s winners – Anaua M. (runner up) and Mark Lowndes (first place) – before an enraptured crowd disperses into the evening armed with poetry letters found in the bathroom and badges proclaiming ‘Bring Back The Art Of Seductive Conversation.’ The Queensland Finals of the AUSTRALIAN POETRY SLAM were held at the State Library of Qld on Friday Oct 7. www.australianpoetryslam.com

FOR SALE: 1 x reincarnation of historical figure Franz Ferdinand.

Hello the Internet.

How are you today? I hope Charlie Sheen hasn't been keeping you too busy. I just thought I'd use my blog to yell into the digital universe and let you know that I'd entered this competition where you have to make a story about three objects for sale.

The items this week were:

 

Which was strangely convenient as I acutally did have a shetland pony, surfboard and jetski to sell, so I simply told the truth, which is as follows:

Dear person and/or spambot. Thankyou for choosing to view my items instead of the many other interesting things on the internet, such as blogs devoted to things that look like cats and cats that look like things.

For sale is my pride and joy, Franz the Shetland pony. He is the reincarnation of Franz Ferdinand (the historical figure, not the band, whom he hates. Please refrain from playing their music or he may fly into a fit of violent pony rage.)

It is with great regret that I must sell my beloved Franz because my old landlord died in a mysterious pogo stick accident and my new landlord has a bizarre and very specific allergy to Shetland ponies who are the reincarnations of famous historical figures.

I am also selling Franz's jetski and surfboard, which would only remind me of him and thus produce salty discharge in my eyeholes.

You can and also should vote for my entry here.

Ironically the grand prize of $10 000 is substantially larger than many major literary awards. Perhaps my time would be better vested in writing 150 word creative entries for competitions than 100 000 word novels for actual humans. That would leave me time to pursue my true passion; arranging and photographing paper clip collections.

In other news, the 100 stories for QLD anthology featuring my story STUNT KITE has been delayed but should be out any day now, and I will be recording more lines for the pocket hipster tomorrow.

What have you been up to?

(Just kidding, I don't actually care. I was just trying to be polite.)

THE INAUGURAL JM DONELLAN AWARD FOR A SHORT STORY ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT VAMPIRES.

You may have heard of vampires. These lovable sun-loathing scamps have populated the pages of novels ever since the early something-forties. I used to be quite found of vampire stories, the intrigue of immortality and all that gaff, but I am now, unequivocally, irrevocably, MOTHERFUCKING SICK of vampire stories and every jerk who is jumping on that already overloaded bandwagon.

My reaction to this phenomenon is so intense I've actually developed a medical condition so rare that my doctor insists it doesn't even actually exist. It forces me to violently convulse every time someone mentions Twilight or the Vampire Diaries. Strangely, this convulsion always localises in the area of my fist and seems to inevitably collide with the speaker's face.

I've decided to do something about this by encouraging people to write stories about anything at all besides vampires with the INAUGURAL JM DONELLAN AWARD FOR A SHORT STORY ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT VAMPIRES.

GUIDELINES or
(HOW TO DO ALL THE THINGS)

Those of you have submitted to short story comps/publishers in the past will now that their guidelines are typically more rigid and inflexible than the 'must be straight and anglo-saxon' component of the Klu Klux Klan membership requirements.

This competition is different. I WANT your cover letter to be ridiculous. Include pictures, photos, nick nacks, whatever the goddam hell you feel like. Just be original and don't write about vampires.

Word limit is 5 000 words. Preferably these words should be arranged into sentences with appropriate punctuation and paragraphing. Eg:

is unacceptable.

is perfect, if a little strange.

Competition opens June 28th at 10.39am and closes September 22 at 12.59pm.

Send your entries to jmdonellan[at]gmail.com

1st Prize

+ 

$20.15, the current contents of my wallet. You also get a signed copy of my novel, A Beginner's Guide to Dying in India. Hot diggity damn!

2nd Prize

You get a signed copy of my novel, A Beginner's Guide to Dying in India. Sweet captain cupcakes on toasted rye!

Everyone else your prize is the fact that you have managed to write a story that is not about vampires. Be proud.

(NOT VERY) FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

1 Q: My story is about vampires, is it eligible?
A: Please send me your full name and address so that I can promptly dispatch a team of ninjas to have you killed.

2 Q: Geez Louise man, what's yer freaking beef with the nosferatu?

A: see above

3 Q: Is this just an elaborate ploy to harvest other people's ideas for the purpose of possible future plagarism?

A: Not according to my very expensive lawyer, no.

4 Q: My story is about a gay penguin on the quest to discover his true calling as an internationally acclaimed hula hooper with the guidance of a breakdancing shaman with a dark and troubled past. Am I going to win?

A: Ask again here.

5 Q:Is this a joke?

A: No, the Twilight series, that was a joke. This is a legitimate competition with way awesome and furthermore radical prizes, bro.

6 Q: Have you ever written a story about someone with a pathological fear of Phil Collins?

A: Why yes, now that you mention it. You can read it here:

  Download Fearing Phil Collins by JM Donellan