what rhymes with chaos?

  I'm in the latest edition of The Big Issue Australia, out today! If you buy it, you'll be supporting the homeless and literally making the world a better place, whereas if you buy A Beginner's Guide to Dying in India you'll just be supporting some jerk who writes 300 page lies for a living.

HOUSEMATE WANTED (OR: would you live here?)

Oh hi. How are you? Reading the noticeboard huh? That’s nice, see anything good? Hey listen if you’re looking for a room then you could come and stay with us. No, seriously. For just $120 a week you could live at our place.

It’s a really nice house, I mean, it’s not like a mansion or anything. But only jerks live in those things anyway right? If houses were people, then a mansion would be like Jessica Simpson and our place would be like Cate Blanchette. Ok, well maybe not quite that cultured and refined, and it could do with a lick of paint. Perhaps our house would be like Cate Blanchette in ten years time, after she’s had a couple of stiff drinks.

BACKYARD SIZE =         +   

                                                    x2

In layman’s terms it’s a 2 storey, 4 bedroom Queenslander with front and back decks and a backyard large enough for two elephants to play a game of badminton. It’s got three bathrooms and a huge oven that people who actually know how to cook tell me is amazing. It’s the kind of place that real estate agents would describe as ‘charming’ ‘gorgeous’ and ‘I wish the owners would sell this house so we could tear it down and subdivide.’

Josh wrote this.

As for its inhabitants; Dave works in IT, but don’t start picturing sunlight fearing geek clichés. He’s about as nerdy as Kyle Sandilands is tactful or talented. He has a hot girlfriend and he climbs up the side of mountains all the time with his bare hands just for fun. As for Josh, well, not only did he write this advertisement that is currently inspiring feelings of amusement, terror or confusion (possibly all at once), but he’s even a real life author. Yeah, seriously, he writes those weird words on paper things that people used to read before they invented movies and the internet. 

In conclusion:

room for rent in a 2 storey Queenslander

$120 per week

Waterworks road, Ashgrove

[email protected]

                      

                                                   

PS animals are probably ok. I mean, if you have a little dog or something it probably won’t be an issue. If you show up with an ocelot or a north Canadian moose that might be a different story.

It was a day that promised medicority, but did so with its fingers covertly crossed behind its back and its face illuminated by a roguish grin....