what rhymes with chaos?

If loving you is wrong, I'd like to be partially incorrect.

This week, I'm going to give you some advice on romance. Now, I know what you're thinking. It's either A) How did I end up at this page when I was looking for videos of cats playing keyboards??? or B) Why on earth would J. M. Donellan be qualified to give relationship advice? He seems to just post about getting dumped all the time. 

 

I have no answer for A) but in regards to B) I'm hardly going to be the first amateur to deign to impart ill-founded advice. I mean, the Situation wrote a fucking book with advice on dating, I'm pretty goddamn sure I'm more qualified than he is. Not least because of the fact that I realise that a book should consist of more than just 133 pages of narcissistic, misogynistic ranting. And fashion tips. 

Sure, love can be a beautiful thing. But let's face it there are plenty of times when it can also be gross, stupid, frustrating, painful and sometimes, just really fucking inconvenient. Maybe they're your housemate. Perhaps you just have the wrong anatomy for their romantic preferences. Or they just said the sentence "I don't know who David Bowie is." Maybe they're dating your best friend and the three of you hang out all the time and once in a while you'll all have a little too much to drink and he/she will suggest you all head into the bedroom together and by the time you realise they were only joking you're already half undressed and then you have to pretend like you were only joking too but they both know you weren't and it gets super awkward and even worse they've seen they embarrassing tattoo that you keen meaning to get removed...

Whatever the case. There are times when being in love in just a terrible idea, so here are my strategies to help you not love someone.

 1 IMAGINE THEM AS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE POLITICIAN

Simple but effective. If the politician in question is ugly and/or the wrong gender for your preferences, even better. Just imagine someone who really sums up everything that's wrong with politics and modern society in general, someone like, oh I don't know...

2 DEVELOP A NEGATIVE PAVLOVIAN REACTION 

"Jenny? Oh no, I'm WAY over her. She smells like transmutational butterfly larvae."

Sounds weird, I know, but weirder than tying all your hopes, dreams and happiness to one single human being who is just going to end up decomposing in the ground some day? I think not. Keep a packet of something disgusting in your pocket, like canned chrysalises for instance. Every time you see or think about your soon-to-be-not-loved one, shove something putrid into your facehole. Once you associate the object of your desire with squirming, crunchy larvae, IT'S BYE BYE ROMANCE!

3 INTRODUCE THEM TO YOUR PARENTS

I know this is often what people do when a relationship is going WELL, but this is primarily due to the fact that people are idiots. By the time dear old dad asks them for the sixth time if they got that nose ring because they were hoping to more closely resemble a swine or just to antagonise their deadbeat parents you'll know that all hopes of a happy, successful relationship are dead in the water.

4 THINK ABOUT THE LAST TIME YOU BROKE UP WITH SOMEONE

"Oh god! I can't do crosswords anymore! She used to use words like, all the time! Sometimes in sentences, or paragraphs even! It was our special thing..."

Bear in mind all relationships end, the only variables are when and how badly. Just try and picture that last time, when you listened to the 3 Smith Kings of Misery (Elliott Smith, The Smiths and Robert Smith) on repeat and lived on a daily intake of three bottles of cheap red wine and a family sized block of cadbury chocolate. Actually that last bit doesn't sound too bad, but then there was the bawling over summertime photos, the dividing of possessions, the places, songs, books and movies that were forever ruined. Yeah, that's right. You've got all of THAT to look forward to. Maybe in three months time, maybe three years, maybe three decades but whatever the case we all know that breaking up with someone feels like having your heart torn out of your chest, ripped in half, spat on, then forcibly reinserted via your colon.

So there you have it. Next time you start falling in love and it's going to be the worst idea ever you can thank me for reminding you that's it's the worst idea ever. Send me a thank you email. Maybe with a photo attached. Perhaps a facebook friend request.

Are you single?

 

UNINSPIRATIONAL QUOTES EPISODE #3

"The most urgent health problem in the developed world is obesity. The most urgent health problem in the developing world is starvation."

 

"Either you motherfuckers need to start sharing those cheeseburgers or I am going to have to try and get Madonna to adopt me. Do you really want to live with that on your hands?"

"Ah....there's nothing like eating a cheeseburger at the beach...hey! Where did my feet go! Oh, there they are, buried under my rolls of corpulent fat that also do a great job of concealing my long forsaken dignity."

THINK ABOUT IT. This is not exactly Schrodinger's cat theory here (if you aren't familiar with this, here's an explanation by a guy with a huge afro). We aren't talking about the Copenhagen interpretation, Hesienberg Uncertainty principle, or Gödel's incompleteness theorem. This is basic fucking logic. Rich people have and control too much and are killing themselves, as a result poor people have too little and are dying. This is basically the global sociopolitical equivalent of solving the following equation:

solve for x:

2 + x = 4

Think about it, think about it...THERE IT IS! See, was that so hard?

(Courier Mail readers may require the following information: x = 2)

UNINSPIRATIONAL QUOTES EPISODE 2

"No matter how good you are at your job, there will always be someone much less talented than you making a lot more money."

This might seem like  cop out statement for an artist, but I feel it's never a bad idea to reiterate just how terrible the taste of the general public is. Just look at the ten most popular youtube videos; 20% Miley Cyrus and 20% babies laughing. I have to confess that with my eyes closed I have difficulty distinguishing between them. 

this was the only video in the top ten that didn't make my eyeballs want to vomit:

But wait, there's a slightly larger quantity than was previously expected! Just take a look at the world of books and see how bad the situation is. I mean, I wouldn't mind sitting several thousand sales slots beneath, say Haruki Murakami, Margaret Atwood or Don Delilo. But these jokers? We're basically talking the literary equivalent of that god-awful 90s throwback grunge band you saw at O'Malleys a few weekends ago with the lead singer with a beer gut and a guns'n'roses tattoo. Picture that band raking in millions of dollars a year.

Yeah, fucking EXACTLY.

THE OVERTON WINDOW

by Glenn "I hate everything except money" Beck

Sure, I know, everyone weighs in on Glenn Beck. He's an easy target. But here's the thing: HE SHOULDN'T BE. It shouldn't be so disgustingly, appalling easy to pick deathstar sized holes in the arguments and rationalisations of someone with such significant influence. Not content to simply pose as an appallingly poor journalist, Beck also writes the kind of fiction that gives gun-toting rednecks with a pathological fear of anyone who speaks 'foreign' a delightful shiver in their commie-hatin' loins. If you can read this book without wanting to remove your eyeballs with a melonballer, then I applaud you.

The plot is thinly veiled disguise for Beck's general polemic ranting, which can basically be summed up by just spitting on the universal declaration of human rights (which, coincidentally, currently ranks #830,082.)

LOVER AVENGED

by J R "no actually I've never heard of True Blood" Ward

This is a story about a vampire (I know, it already smacks of originality right?) but not just any kind of vampire! The protagonist of Lover Avenged is a SYMPATH vampire, who "gets energy from manipulating others' emotions." If only Edward Cullen gained his power from manipulating the hormones of menopausal midwives, he'd be stronger than the gravitational field of a collapsed star.

Okay so this sympath vampire's name is Revhenge (actual spelling), and surprisingly, he isn't part of a six-piece gangster rap posse from south-central LA. I could go on, but basically the hideous fact that this author penned a series of Sookie Stackhouse ripoff/general vampire cash in books so shamefacedly is only outstripped by the horror of their success. Which brings us to:

MARRY HIM  

by Lori Gottlieb (seems unfair to make fun of such a ridiculous name).

This is basically several hundred pages of Ms. Gottlieb screaming "Just settle!" Seriously. The fundamental premise of this book is that by searching for 'Mr Right' women miss their golden chance at settling down for a life of beige-coated, vanilla flavoured, AM radio sound tracked mediocrity with Mr. Good Enough. This is possibly the most depressing premise for a book I've EVER heard. And I've read the Bell Jar twice.

UNINSPIRATIONAL QUOTES EPISODE 1

People of the world, these are times, no doubt about. In times such as these, such as they are, we need to stand together. Or possibly slightly apart, depending on the potency of the body odour of the comrade in closest proximity to you. However, regardless of exact geographical spacing, we must unite under the banners of Truth, Liberty, Synergy, Jazzercise and Rampant Consumerism like our fathers and their fathers before them, (but not so much the fathers before those who spent most of their time between the poorhouse and the whorehouse).

We must unite and say YES! I am here and NO! I don't know why but in the meantime I BELIEVE!...in...things. And I ostensibly believe in your right to believe in other things, no matter how horrendously defiant of logic and basic reasoning those things might be.

And brother, sister or second cousin twice removed I swear to metaphorically stand next to you on the figurative battlefield of justice, even if I would, in reality, run at the slightest hint of any form of literal conflict. Someday, when your children gaze up at you from their bowl of insta-feed protein TM now with even MORE! psuedo-flavour and say: "Daddy/mummy tell me about the olden day times?"

You'll be able to proudly reply: "Shut yer cakehole. I'm trying to watch Avatar 3 in 4D."

It is in the spirit of these things and these times that I gave you:

UNINSPIRATIONAL QUOTES.

Episode 1

FACT
"Every five minutes 346 wonderful people die and 347 total jerks are born."

 

"Waaaaah! When I grow up I'm going to change lanes without indicating and vote against basic human rights policies! Waaaaah!"