what rhymes with chaos?

FOR SALE: 1 x reincarnation of historical figure Franz Ferdinand.

Hello the Internet.

How are you today? I hope Charlie Sheen hasn't been keeping you too busy. I just thought I'd use my blog to yell into the digital universe and let you know that I'd entered this competition where you have to make a story about three objects for sale.

The items this week were:

 

Which was strangely convenient as I acutally did have a shetland pony, surfboard and jetski to sell, so I simply told the truth, which is as follows:

Dear person and/or spambot. Thankyou for choosing to view my items instead of the many other interesting things on the internet, such as blogs devoted to things that look like cats and cats that look like things.

For sale is my pride and joy, Franz the Shetland pony. He is the reincarnation of Franz Ferdinand (the historical figure, not the band, whom he hates. Please refrain from playing their music or he may fly into a fit of violent pony rage.)

It is with great regret that I must sell my beloved Franz because my old landlord died in a mysterious pogo stick accident and my new landlord has a bizarre and very specific allergy to Shetland ponies who are the reincarnations of famous historical figures.

I am also selling Franz's jetski and surfboard, which would only remind me of him and thus produce salty discharge in my eyeholes.

You can and also should vote for my entry here.

Ironically the grand prize of $10 000 is substantially larger than many major literary awards. Perhaps my time would be better vested in writing 150 word creative entries for competitions than 100 000 word novels for actual humans. That would leave me time to pursue my true passion; arranging and photographing paper clip collections.

In other news, the 100 stories for QLD anthology featuring my story STUNT KITE has been delayed but should be out any day now, and I will be recording more lines for the pocket hipster tomorrow.

What have you been up to?

(Just kidding, I don't actually care. I was just trying to be polite.)

For sale: Midi keyboard formerly owned by Ludwig Van Beethoven

(Link to the full ebay ad is here.)

I'm about to head to New York and then Colombia to do some "research" for my next book, Adonis Comma Coma. I need to raise some funds to assure that I can afford to drink Manhattans in Manhattan and to that end I'm selling off a few things. Please bid with all your dollars:

 

What you are looking at is a 100% authentic, definitely NOT fake ad for a radium 49 m-audio midi keyboard formerly owned by Ludwig Van Beethoven. (Note: Ludwig Van Beethoven is not to be confused with the titular character of the heart-warmingly mediocre family films of the early to late nineties.)

 
              

This one.                 Not this one.

Beethoven is best known for his classical symphonies composed primarily on a traditional grand piano, but in his spare time he also liked to dabble in trance and acid house music composed on this midi keyboard.

It is a well known fact that Beethoven's hearing began to fade later in his career as a result of staying out at too many raves. At this time he stopped going out to doofs and mostly preferred composing hundreds of hours of psytrance and produced the seminal album Beethoven's xtreme haus anthemz feat. Tha D-stroyer which yielded hits such as Girl is on my mind, Pizza is on my couch and Raise the roof (throw yo hands up!) He also released a plethora of seminal dubstep and ambient releases under monikers such as 'BFX', 'B-town Posse' and 'BTHVN sound sistem.'

This item comes complete with an official certificate of authenticity signed by Ludwig himself:

 

 

Considering the substantial historical value of this instrument, it's an absolute steal at $0.99. If you can find another midi keyboard formerly owned by Beethoven at a cheaper price, I'll not only refund your money in full, I'll also give you a Yamaha WR250F dirtbike formerly owned by Ella Fitzgerald. 

 

 

Ella Fitzgerald

Jazz singer, composer and Dirtbike enthusiast.

 

 

STUPID WEIGHTS MACHINE FOR JERKS

No one was more surprised than me when I managed to sell my crappy, possibly cursed guitar for a grand total of $40. Seriously, I would have paid someone to take that thing away from me. Sure it was a weird ad (you can view it here) but I sure as hell didn't expect queries such as:

"Is this guitar REALLY cursed?"

"Can I film you smashing it?"

and "Are you still single?"

In any case I have more crap around my house that I want to get rid of, so without further ado (or even adieu) I give you:

STUPID WEIGHTS MACHINE FOR JERKS!

Bidding starts at $0.99. Get on it.

>>>Crappy, possibly cursed acoustic guitar for sale:

http://is.gd/a00RF